I don’t want to type up a whole story, but after prying it out of my boyfriend I found that he has been thinking about whether or not to break up. This is a complete surprise to me. He was in tears just talking about it. There’s no decision yet, we are still together.

I have been struggling with depression on and off my whole life, but had severe depression this past year (freshman year of college). I was very suicidal and self harming relatively frequently. I also had really bad anxiety, and I have a lot of trauma and anger issues. I would get pretty snappy and probably said some hurtful things. However I’m on meds now and also in therapy, I really have been getting better. I thought things were looking up.

My boyfriend was there through everything, he was my rock. He is my best friend and I have never loved someone so much before. After hearing his news today, I remained calm for him, I didn’t want him to feel bad or be worried. However now that he has left I’m really struggling not to fall into old habits.

I have a strong urge to starve myself and a strong urge to cut. I also have a strong urge to hurt myself in other ways or drive far away. I have temptations of basically any self destructive behavior you can think of. But I really don’t want to fall victim to myself, I want to prove to myself and to him that I can stay better.

What are some alternatives? How do I truly convince myself to not lose all my progress? This post doesn’t do justice to how much pain I am in and how awful I feel. I felt the people on this sub might be the closest to understanding.

Whether you have advice or not, thanks for reading. I had to get this out.