Just to clarify, I don’t know whether I have high-functioning depression or just depressive cycles. I’m currently in grad school with major depressive disorder, which I was diagnosed with. But I needed to talk to people, so here’s my story. When I was in undergrad, I went through a major depressive episode that landed me in the emergency room (thankfully because I had the right resources and support that I did that before anything possibly worse). My last year in college, 2019, sucked. I went from a high achieving student to failing most of my last classes I took.

Shortly after graduating the pandemic began. I found myself unable to hang out with most of the people that gave my life meaning. I couldn’t find a job because, well, this was the early days of the pandemic and no one was hiring. I thought I’d apply to med schools early (looking back on this I’m still not sure why I decided that was a good idea) only to be rejected by all of them. As a coping mechanism, I got addicted to sex-ish, like not sex itself; I only have a little experience with that. I got addicted to feeling connected with others, and usually the easiest way to do this was online dating. Unfortunately, due in part to my inexperience with relationships, this meant I became a victim of sex scammers, lost a lot of money, and got taken advantage of by someone who took advantage of that vulnerability. But then I got into grad school, at one of the best universities in the country, and I thought my life would start to change around.

The first semester went well. I hit a couple bumps along the way, but all in all I was actually doing really well. My medication was working, I thought school was super interesting. But the ongoing pandemic made it almost impossible to meet new people, and being from the opposite side of the country, I felt so isolated, lonely, and alone. I had professors to talk to, but guidance isn’t companionship. It’s not a friendship nor a relationship. Nonetheless I finished out 2021 stronger than ever.

When I got back from winter break, the spiral started. I began oversleeping, not going to class (at this point classes were in person), and not paying attention to academics. I started looking to hookup with people (unsuccessfully) through Reddit R4R and tinder. It became a way to do nothing and pass the time, and refreshing my feed to see the next post almost became like an obsession. Hours upon hours of my time doing nothing. This weekend, it’s all I did. I have finals this week, and what did I do? Mindlessly refresh a page where most people are men or bots to maybe, just maybe find that one person to hookup with. It just feels like where I was before. I hate being depressed and I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to go back to being depressed again. Which brings me back to the point of this whole story.

I got scammed. Again. It reminded me of was how vulnerable, imperfect, and gullible I was. Everything came crashing down and brought me back to reality. Sometimes I think that I’m using my depression as an excuse to be subpar, to not be as “excellent” as I have already proven myself to be. I hate acknowledging that depression is cyclical - success at one time should mean I’m able to succeed all the time, right? But I don’t. And when I don’t, it hurts. It hurts because I don’t live up to my own expectations, and it hurts because it makes me reckon with my depression. I’m not sure if there was really a point in that story, but I just wanted to talk to someone. I know it was a bit rambley and incoherent at times, but if you made it to the end, thanks for reading 💜