I'm not really sure what this will accomplish, but I am going to write it out.

I fucking hate myself and I feel so fucking alone.

I'm an ER doctor and I don't know if i can keep doing this shit. I am able to do such wonderful things for people every day. And all I can think about is what I have done poorly. It's my 35th birthday today.. and all that fills my head is how many years I've wasted. I receive texts and calls all day from friends.. and all I can think about is how lonely I am. My nickname at work is literally hot ____ and I think about what a lazy piece of shit I am for the gym days I miss. I literally saved someones life today. While talking with him one-on-one, he went into v-tach and lost pulses. I started compressions, got the nurses in there, gave meds, shocked, and brought him back in less than 2 minutes. I still question my medical decisions and just generally feel like a waste of the earth's oxygen.

I hate myself. I know on paper it doesn't make sense. I know there are good things about me, but it's like this deep seated distaste for the amalgam of me.

This isn't a new feeling. However, it's definitely been darker in this melon of mine since COVID. Telling people their wives, mothers, fathers have died.. every goddamn day.. well, that makes me want to take the long nap. And my ex-fiance leaving 6 months later because she was stressed/depressed with her job.. not a great feeling either. Now this week she wants to get back together - ugh. I don't fucking know anymore.

The thing is I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but they don't see me. This self hate and depression isn't something anyone else can touch. It's not something I let others see. On the surface I'm calm, collected and probably look like I have everything right where I want it.

If it wasn't for what it would do to my parents and sisters, I wouldn't be here. I just feel like I'm dragging on, doing the right thing for the sake of others and it's fucking exhausting. And I am so sick of it.