Recently Ive just felt like Im in limbo. I know Im not really depressed, but Im not a happy person at the same time, but Im also not really sad either. Its very weird for me because earlier this year I really hated myself, I hated being alive and I didnt really see any hope for myself lasting the rest of the year. I dont really have that mindset anymore , but at the same time I just dont feel like I have a positive future ahead. This year was very rough and honestly, it didnt have much positives, at all if any. I didnt really make any new friends, I didnt do anything special or accomplish anything with myself, and there wasnt any time during this year where I really felt happy, like I belonged anywhere. No one really checks up on me at all, I dont have any IRLs, no new relationships, my confidence levels are at low, nothing positive really. Matter of fact Ive lost more friends than I have gained over the past year. The most I can say that Ive gained this year is really just a new job honestly. I do like it, but a new job can honestly mean just more stress in a way rather than an escape. I just feel confused really. Like when is my time gonna come to be happy? Recently Ive just kind of accepted that I am lonely and have tried to embrace it, but I always ask myself if this is gonna be the life Im destined to live? Am I never gonna get to be happy? Am I just not destined to get married, have kids, start a family of my own? Will there really be no one else around me in my life other than my family? Its just hard to accept really, but when I try to change it and turn things around, I never get any good results, and I just end up back at square one, with myself and only myself. Around half of this year Ive just kinda been by myself. Like I said before, no one checks up on me, I go days, weeks, even months without even talking to another person thats not my family, or coworker. If I ever did talk to someone, I had to be the one who starts conversation. I have to be the one who invites myself or sets up anything. If I dont, I basically get no contact outside of my own house. Its like no one values me as a friend, or even cares if Im okay or not. And im gonna be honest, Im getting really tired of being told, "I wanted to reach out but I assumed you wanted space". It pisses me off. If you wanted to know if I was okay, or at the least ask how I was doing, you wouldve messaged me. You wouldve made the effort to ask if I was okay if you really think of me as a friend, and not just hope that im recovering on my own. To me that phrase just says, "Im to lazy to reach out, hopefully youre okay". Its bullshit in my opinion. Its just so sad to me that I have taken a lot of time towards the end of the year to just basically accept that Im not supposed to talk to anyone, and thats just the life I'm meant to have. Im already shy and introverted as it is. Then you got all of this stuff on the side that doesnt help my social life, all the PTSD inducing experiences that Ive encountered the last couple of years. People really are scary and evil creatures.

So yea, Idk what else to say or think about my state of mind. I dont wanna die or even hate myself because I know my value as a person, Im just not happy with how things have been and Im not very hopeful for the future. Just wish my time for happiness would come already. Everyone says it will, and that I need to be patient. Just dont know what I did to deserve this treatment. :(