I've been waiting for so long to find someone I can feel close to and receive affection from irl. It doesn't happen. It's been so long. I don't get any socialization outside of school. We have a few hours of free time at school per week, but still. I don't really think anyone amongst my peers is like that. I chased after some people I liked, only to feel like a shadow in the dark, excluded from rest. I spend half my week feeling incredibly empty and wondering when it'll end. I tried changing myself so I could fit in or bond with peeps more, but nah, doesn't really seem to be doing much, I just end up feeling worse because I expect to be closer to them but don't really feel that way.

I'm so tired of feeling empty all these years. There's one person I do connect well with and I know I'd have a blast with if we were together, but he lives abroad and who knows if we'll ever meet. Even if we do it wouldn't be lasting. Sigh.