I'm 33F and my online friends are in their early 20s. For some reason, they really value our friendship even though I can't go to them irl because I'm just a cash-poor, unhealthy, unemployable and undateable autistic person from a third-world country that is in a different continent. My friends are wonderful, kind, smart, talented, and very capable, while I'm unattractive and totally useless. I don't even know why I'm so important to them that if I die, that would trigger them. If we happened to meet in real life instead of online, I'm pretty sure they'd hate me or at least avoid me because I'm toxic on many levels.

They've gone through a lot of traumatic shit in their short lives, enough for lifetimes, that I can't even imagine so I can't blame them for wanting to die. Stuff like getting beat up within inches of death or getting raped more than once and/or coming home to abusive families while having no friends they can talk to. Hell, I want to die even though I'm living a relatively comfortable life. At least nobody's bullying or abusing me outright. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't have a future and my life is meaningless now. I'm too depressed and discouraged to do anything. Even when I feel motivated somehow, my body falls apart and I can't get anything done.

So what if I have it "easy"? Is that what life is about, avoiding bad stuff? My family and other friends don't understand, they ask me why I am so unhappy when nobody is hurting me. Why am I not okay? They expect me to be happy because I don't have the problems other people have. "Count your blessings" and whatnot. Well, nobody is hurting me, that's true, but the only people who see any value in me literally live oceans away and could die any second and I can't do anything about that. I don't have the right to tell them not to do that to me.

Maybe it's my fault for making things worse, I don't know, but I can't act like everything is okay either. I'm trying not to talk to them at all while I just want to quit existing. It is so hard! I want someone that I can talk to about anything, both bad and good, and there aren't any. I'm too weird to be regular friends with. All the people I'm friends with now have mental issues and I'm not supposed to burden them. But if I'm feeling fine and I need to talk about my interests, I can't find anyone for that either.

I just cannot catch a break!

The only way I could get close to my online friends, one of which I am in love with, is to marry a foreigner who is based there. Get with someone I don't love to be with someone I love, see how crazy that idea is? And the age gap is more than ten years, it's shameful for me to want him. I'm total garbage, who would even want to be near me in real life?

This is total mindfuck and my body hurts every day, I can't stand it anymore. Somebody kill me. I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore. I'll just come back here eventually, feeling hopeless again. Just end it already. I'm done with this life. If someone wants me to live, but I can't live for them, what's the point telling me that? I'm not allowed to make someone the meaning of my life, so I'm still empty.