Each day I feel more of myself just slipping away; every hobby that I used to have is too much effort, and I look around at my climbing shoes and my oil paints and think "wow, i should really start again." but that's as far as it gets, just a lingering desire as i stay in my bed.

Every relationship I have is a mess; romantically, I have a lovely and tender partner who is so caring and kind, unlike anyone I've ever dated before but now I don't want it. I don't deserve to have him and be dragging him down with me, so I flake out of plans, panic and post these fuckinf awful things seeking to get demeaned by strangers. I never talk to my parents, and I blocked my eldest sister because just being around her makes me feel so awful all the time- I resent her so much, but its not her fault, I shouldn't feel that way to her, but I can't help it. She makes me feel so awful by just being close, or messaging or just seeing her. I'm just brimming with this resentment, and I wish it was gone; but it doesn't. My friends are all getting tired of me because I'm just not there anymore, I don't reply in group chats and I don't go out, one came to my apartment to check on me and I told her to fuck off. we haven't spoken since.

I'm just so awful all the time, I'm not passable as a person because I have no passions, I have no motivation or personality. I'm just a dumb animal that doesn't want to live. I barely leave my bedroom anymore, I just want to rot away in here.

Everything is too much effort.

I keep thinking about if I could see myself now, when I was 17; I'd tell her to kill herself, they were all right to bully me, they knew better than I did. I wish I wasn't such a coward. things are too hard. everything is too hard.