This is a very long read, like very very long, but I just wanted a place to speak my mind and have my voice be heard by someone, because I feel like I dont have anyone to listen to me. Like I said its very long so I dont blame you if you get bored mid read but:

I really dont care anymore about what will happen in my life, and honestly outside of my own family, I really dont think anyone else does either. I honestly don't care if I live, I don't care if I die, I'm basically a soulless, emotionless zombie with a living body, just taking every day one at a time until something happens. Its kinda sad how theres all these people we have in this world and I feel like I've genuinely tried to do my best to fit in everywhere I went, just to come out unsuccessful every time. No matter how hard I try to make friends I just can't seem to find the perfect people for me, the group I can always talk to whenever I'm down, whenever I need my mood to change, whenever I just want a person to talk to. That's all I ever wanted in life, I really don't think I'm asking for much there, am I? Everyone I associate with has a special someone to them, a close friend, someone who they talk to every day, someone who helps them get by even unconsciencely, someone who always notices if something is wrong with their friend, a person who pays attention to small details. I thought improving on these aspects would help me find people who I could trust and be comfortable around. Sadly, I just don't have the luck I guess. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what else to try. I feel like I've done all I could do to try and be the best friend I could be to all the ones I care about deeply. I defend them, I always reach out to make sure they're okay, I'm always supportive. There are probably some people out there who do care for me and my wellbeing, but its hard trying to reach my hand out and ask to be with them. I've tried reaching out before, and all it ever did was bite me in my ass over and over. So yes, I'm afraid of going to groups who are already established, Im scared of trying to meet new people because my entire life, something will always happen. Now, I know I sound like Im completely lonely, I know Im not, I have friends that I can count on one of my hands, and they are all very caring about me. So I feel I need to give credit to a few specific people:

(For the sake of privacy, Im gonna keep these people anonymous, though some people who reads this and who know me, may be able to piece together who I'm talking about)

Person A, you're like another mother to me. I could never say anything bad about you and you've almost always been there for me whenever I needed you, almost. We've had one hell of a friendship me and you, a complete rollercoaster ride. We've had our ups and definitely our downs, but at the end of the day I'm so happy that you gave me a chance to be your best friend, and I hope I didn't disappoint you. I'm not gonna criminalize you because I mean, you're very busy. Now, I know I said "almost" earlier in here, but from the bottom of my heart I honestly can't put any blame on you, because its just merely an inconveniece that we can't play more together, talk with each other. I know you would always be down to talk to me to help, but motherly duties come first always, and I respect that 100%. The most I can say is thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry that we never got meet each other because I know it would've an amazing time.

Person B, you're like a distant sister to me. You've helped me countless times when I was at my lowest, you've supported me as long as I can remember. I know we may not be as close anymore and we may not speak that much anymore, but to me you've always been someone I felt that I can reach out to before. It just kind of pains me now that we've both been so busy with our lives and education, on top of that the time difference we have between each other. Just no time to really talk mainly because I'm asleep when you're waking up. It just came to a point that I honestly just don't want to try and bother you and I'd feel bad doing so. You're one of the sweetest and most kind hearted individuals I've ever met.

Person C&D, I feel I have to pair you two together because for one, yall are together, and two, you both are the only ones recently who have been checking up on me and telling me how much you both appreciate me constantly. It was the most I've ever had in a very long time meeting you both and spending an entire weekend together, I wish I could go back honestly. Was probably one of the only times I felt truly happy and felt I was with the right kind of people. Its a shame that the weeks following I've had so much doubt about it all though. I've discussed a lot with you two why I feel so badly and how depressed I always feel, but unfortunately there really is nothing you guys could do for me. Part of me wanted to ask if we could just spend time together all 3 of us, but then I'd I feel like I would be tearing apart the friendships you all had with the other people in your group, and I dont wanna be that kind of person to do that. You two are also some of the sweetest people and some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for, yall are amazing.

Now like I said, there are some people who do care, but theres nothing much they can do but wish me luck, and most of them are incredibly busy to where I just can't really ask for time because they dont have it available. The four people I just mentioned above, deep down I really do care for them so much, but even they've had their drawbacks, some of them atleast, not all. I wish I could know if I'd be defended by you all if someone were to try to and convince you guys I wasn't a good friend. I wanna know that you guys have my back, because I already know that you all will call me out when I'm wrong. To be honest though, I wasn't lying about what I said earlier, I really don't I have people around me who will notice when I'm at my lowest, when something is off with me, and dont even act like I havent tried to reach out either. There's one question I always myself: If I were to disappear, how long would it take for people to notice, and who would even notice I was gone? I truly don't believe I have anyone like that around. Matter of fact, I feel like if I were to disappear, yall would just move on like nothing happened. Although I know for a FACT, you each have your own person who you would fight for to keep them in your life. I have yet to be proven that I have someone like that around me, and I dont think someone will ever prove it to me.

I wanna point out another thing also, and thats the case that I know for a fact that I will hear constantly: "Oh you're just overly sensitive, you're complaining about nothing", "You should be able to solve your issues on your own, dont put your own problems on others, everyone's has their own problems to deal with so just do it yourself". Okay, first off, you're god damn right Im sensitive as fuck. I havent had friends my whole life, I've been bullied half of my life, tossed around, unappreciated my entire life. Getting a friend is a fucking lottery ticket for me. So when I come across people who I feel I can finally feel comfortable around, people who are worth me fighting for, worth trying to save a friendship with, you're fucking right I'm gonna get extremely sensitive when I feel like I'm losing that. Second, and this next response to the second quote kind of plays hand in hand with the first quote, but I want everyone who is reading this right now, I want you to think about a person you have in your life that you always talk to, everyday, someone who you know you can always turn to and will always be at your side when you need them to be. I dare you to never speak to that person for as long as you can, and tell me how long it takes until you break and send them even something small like a "hello :) " text. How do you guys think you would do. All of you with significant others, super close friends, tell me how you think you will do. I know one person who I used to call my best friend tried to do that with one of her besties, only for her to give up after a few hours. Who the fuck are you to tell me do things alone? The point I'm trying to put across is that you guys all have that one person who is a true friend, whether they be a significant other or just a close friend. Everyone who wants to tell me to do things alone, has someone they can always talk to whenever they want. Meanwhile me, if I'm not the one reaching out to people, my social life is damn near dead. Months and months going by, no one ever wants to talk, no one knows when I'm down and depressed, not even so much as getting a reach out from someone to reassure me that I'm appreciated being around. Despite all of this I still try. I try to get by everyday, I try to keep my chin up, I try to make the best of what I have and try to better myself more and more. I managed to last this long, 23 years going, but its starting to wear on me more and more as the days go by, and its taking it toll drastically.

I cant even count the ways I feel that I've been wronged, or been unappreciated, or just times where I didnt feel like I belonged. Countless people in my social medias who I reach out to, always support, told that I would help and talk to them if they ever needed anyone, never so much as even given one care about me anymore. I know you should never do anything to get something in return, I do good things just because I believe in doing good tasks and that acts of random kindness can save a person's life, but damnit can I just for once be told that they were happy that I reached out? Its really demoralizing feeling like you put so much effort to try and help someone and feel like you did it for nothing. Its about as demoralizing as feeling like you dont belong anywhere. I recently went on a trip to spend time with friends, the same one I mentioned when talking about Person C and D, and while I was truthful in how I felt when spending time with them, I still felt like I didn't belong there. Tell me, how you react if I told you I was the only person who had to buy their own hotel just to have somewhere to sleep, and that you werent allowed to stay with your friends in their AirBnB? Because thats exactly what happened, in order to spend time with my friends and have ANY place to stay, I had to go out of my way to purchase my own hotel room just to be with them, because they had ordered a place to stay without me. The thing that hurts is that way before the trip even happened, two months before to be exact, they had told me that they would be purchasing an AirBnB when they manage to come into the money to do it. Me being the friend I am, I offered to pitch in to be able to purchase a nice place for all of us to spend time with each other, I even offered to sleep on the floor or anywhere if need be. I didnt mind spending money if it meant spending time with people who I cared so deeply about, thats what I cared about the most. Didnt matter though, a month later after I told them I would do all of that for them, they told me they got an AirBnb, and informed me that it was just for them. I remember asking if theres a way I could stay, and when I was told that I couldn't, I asked "Wait so I have to get my hotel now dont I?", "Yea, you do". So was it a fun weekend? It was, but did I feel like I belonged there? Nope, not at all, and its stuck with me ever since the trip. Ever since the trip, its just felt like I've been avoided by the same people. When person C or D are not with them, the others never wanna do anything with me. I constantly ask to spend time with them, to no answers back, no effort being put in back. Honestly at this point, its the final nail in the coffin for me. I give up, the last group of people I thought I could put so much in for, and this is what I get in return.

Too bad that I will never get an apology, never any concern towards me, they dont care, as soon as Im gone they just gonna act like nothing happened. Im not the friend that I wanted to be, they wont give a shit to see me walk, but for each other they will fight nonstop to keep each other. They will never admit that they couldve done things better. Im the person who is always criminalized, no one ever thinks to try and ask why I feel the way I do, Im just immediately outed. Im not the perfect friend but atleast I can admit when I wrong someone, and learn from my mistakes. Ive wronged many people and I try to learn from those times. Ill admit it, I make petty comments sometimes, when I see something thats a double standard Ill mae a petty comment about it, I dont play the games that everyone else does, and I wont try new games to spend time with others, so yeah maybe I havent put as much effort in as I couldve also. Im also a hell of an introvert so maybe sometimes I can't speak up about my troubles. There plenty of negatives with me, Im not a perfect friend even though I try to be, atleast I can admit it though, and atleast I can try and understand what people are going through.

Right now, Im just at the point where I dont know whats gonna happen. I think about suicide everyday, the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the love I have for my family and for the people who may care about me, because suicide is in the very end, a selfish act. It takes all of the hurt and suffering you have and puts it on everyone else who cares about you. Theres that little part of me though, in the back of my mind, that wants my suffering to stop, thats given up, thats saying there is no hope. Day by day, that little voice gets louder and speaks in higher volumes to me. I want this life to work out for me. People have had it worse than me and have succeeded, and I want to say that I beat my depression. I want to get through it all, I want to be happy with myself, have things to appreciate around me, I always loathe for the feeling that I finally did it. I do wanna live, but I just cant do it alone. Im not strong enough to do it alone. So im writing this to just have my voice heard, I wanna know that I have purpose to be alive. I want to live, I just dont know if it ever will happen. Right now Im at the lowest Ive ever been, and I really just dont care anymore.