I’ve always been an anxious and depressed kid growing up. It got worse and worse throughout my teens until I began a hands on trade class for cars. It made me feel important and like I was putting my time to good use rather than sit in front of a TV all day like usual.

It’s been years since I’ve graduated and attended that class and it took me months to find a job in my field. I was immensely ashamed. Throughout my life my failures always haunted me and still do. I sit up at night and run the memories through my head and go through the day with tired eyes thinking about how useless and worthless i am.

Even though the days of working 40 hours of blue collar work are tough I still felt pride in my work most the time. I would be incredibly embarrassed when I messed up but through the couple years I showed progress and evidence that my elder co workers respected me.

However today i attempted to work on my car outside of work myself. With no shop or professional grade tools. Well to cut it short it was 10 hours of mental anguish and suffering. I ruined my own vehicle and did a horrible job. I’m supposed to be the kid who can stand next to my co workers and be proud I progressed so fast but I was faced with a harsh reality check today. I’m no better than any one else. I’m a young stupid kid who is no good. I’m so ashamed of what I did tons of suicidal thoughts have managed their way back up into my head. I thought about my double barrel.

Any words of courage and advice would be so appreciated.