Hey...28 Year Old Male here..I just feel so tired and confused. 13 Years with Major Depression and it's basically sapped my energy away to the point of never having 1 day where I don't feel tired. Constantly laying in bed, trying to get out of it only to fall right back into it.. Insomnia and Excessive Sleepiness haunt my life..

At work, it's not any better...I do a Laborious Job and constantly feeling drained of energy while on the job makes me feel like I'm not enough despite there being older people than me there who don't really feel tired...

I have a constant feeling of disassociation, feeling like I don't belong in my own body...like my mind has been only added to it...I constantly see shadows or things that are not there and it's driving me insane sometimes..

I constantly forget things when it's just been told to me and I hate it! I feel so..stupid for not remembering anything...I try so hard to remember what I just forgot, but it never comes back...I can't even remember special things unless it's in writing...

I feel like I'm combatting myself.. Like I have two different personalities mixed into one. My personality before depression when I was a Teenager as a Freshman in High School and after depression hit... There's the Empathetic, Helpful, Patient side and then there's the Depressive Side where I'm prone to being numb, very irritated, easy to anger, and just plain not caring about myself. It's...making me feel so...disconnected.

I feel so bad when I get very irritated and mad at my Mom for not understanding my depression and just needing help on the same things I tell her about...she's forgetful sometimes and she needs time to understand...it's not her fault...I feel like a bad son sometimes...

Then there's the heavy guilt and anxiety...I feel like I can't control it even with the Medication I'm taking...I feel like such a mess that nobody should be bothering with..

All of this just makes me feel so disconnected from people...I want to be alone...but I don't at the same time... it's like my mind doesn't know what it wants anymore...I can't even play MMORPGs and other genres of games I enjoy without feeling like I want to drop them as fast I got into them. It's so stressful and annoying...

Even though I have a Job, a Loving Relationship of 5 Years, Family Members that I guess still care about me..I don't even care about myself. I still don't know what it means be truly happy...it never lasts..

I always have to put up a Facade to avoid having to explain myself or worry people..I only recently found out what this is.. "Smiling Depression" I always one day hope I won't have to act like I'm completely fine and stable, but everyday that hope dwindles till only nothing is left.. I feel like I shouldn't exist.

Sorry for ranting and getting how I feel off my chest...I shouldn't be bothering anyone with this and should just suffer with it on my own...