Im not suicidal. I do have suicidal ideation and have not gone more than an hour in the last 3 years without thinking of ways or reasons to complete.

Currently I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot of an office building trying to figure out what im doing with my life. Im nothing. Im no one. I have nothing to show for my life. I used to be happy, I had friends and relationships and a reason to get out of bed. I used to sing and laugh and love. Now I cry. Its the only emotion I really express, most of the time im just quiet and blank inside and out. Im barely holding onto a job I hate because I have to pay off loans for a college degree im not using. Im 31 living at home with my parents because when I was living alone I was afraid I'd kill myself. Nothing brings me joy, I have no idea what I should do to bring some kind of meaning back into my life. If im looking for the barrel of another 30 or 40 years of this, id rather die.

I've seen a therapist but stopped when I had to move in with my folks, they live in a tiny town with no resources, far away from anything. I tried talking to a doctor about whats going on, he gave me 2 minutes and then handed me a prescription.

I hate posting things like this to a bunch of strangers but I think at least ya'll get it. You understand what I mean and where im coming from.