Warning: long and kinda rant like

Two of my close friends are dating, and I’ve known for sometime basically since it started. It was obvious really they were hanging out every fucking day and yet I didn’t want to believe it I just checked it up to their personalty but I knew. Well today they told me and I nearly ruined my friendship with them by being annoying and cracking jokes that shouldn’t of been said, but I couldn’t stop myself I was happy for them but at the same time... well that’s the thing my first thought was why can’t I let myself be happy for them why can’t I let myself be happy and find happiness myself.

There are small moments obviously like hanging with friends and small things like that I’m 17 after all, but I look inside myself and all I see is darkness and the inability to feel really anything or rather to let anything in to allow myself to feel.

I know it sounds confusing but that’s just how my brain likes to visually things like my soul or myself basically is a figure with doors and lights surrounding him all the doors lead to something that should make me happy and they do at least for a time but then my mind shuts those doors before I can allow myself to feel anything and I do it because I’m scared of what happens if I allow myself to feel or to grow attached.

That would be normal on it’s own a issue I should have fixed with counseling so why am I here well, it’s because my depression won’t let me move on it keeps dragging me back to darkness again and again and again, for example I’m upset with myself for not only ignoring the signs of my friends but also not looking to get a so myself, but I don’t really want a so sure sex is cool but that’s just temporary and what I want is a connection but high school relationships especially this late in won’t give me that so what is it, is it me looking for a quick pick me up with sex or is it me trying to find love and attention in a place I won’t find it because I won’t let myself grow to a place where I see it’s ok to be single even if all your friends aren’t that high school kids are fickle and egoistical and they grow up in college (mostly) I’m depressed not dumb.

So why did I write this well, Idk maybe to get this off my chest and out of the hole in my chest from my depression and my inability to move on, or maybe I just wanted attention and someone to counsel me to help me move on by showing me I can be loved and that beyond my family and close friends I can find someone who loves me despite being fat and depressed but that’s really just a theory for now thank you for reading this far and I’m sorry for making it so long hopefully when I sleep my emotions will be flushed but for now good night.