I think my mental health is deteriorating and with the pandemic still out there, it will just getting worse. Every time I tried to sleep I keep getting negative thoughts and it won't stop. When I have a bad day( which is almost every day), I usually look forward to falling asleep cause sleeping is probably the only time when I can feel relaxed and when the next day comes I can at least function normally. But now I can't fall asleep anymore, my sleep schedule keep getting worse and worse, I used to stay up till midnight and then fall asleep, then it's 2am then 3am then 4am then 5am. I just couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes, negative thoughts just come to my mind to the point where I have depressive episodes almost everyday.

I told myself every time I had a depressive episode that if I could just fall asleep, it'd be better tomorrow but I can't now. Negative thoughts just keep me up and I just fucking can't anymore. I have suicidal thoughts every night not like I'm going to kill myself but more like if someone broke into my apartment and stab me, I probably won't call for help.

I tried melatonin gummies but those just made me feel sluggish next morning so I just stopped completely. Have you ever been asked "where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?" I just couldn't see myself in the future it's all darkness I just wished I died soon or something like that. Those kind of thoughts are what kept me up at night.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense, I just feel like venting a bit. If you're reading this, I hope you have a good day and good luck with what you're doing.