Today, i feel like I've hit the lowest of the low. I got my first lady smear done and i felt so proud that i just wanted to tell someone. Then, i realized that i had no one special to tell this amazing milestone of mine to that i kinda shrugged it off, but now i think the feeling is hitting me hard.

I've had a few past relationships in the past that were failures and i seem to be the one always being blamed for them not working out. But... How does one know what the problem is when the other person doesn't say anything? What are they so afraid of? Hurting me? So what? At least i can try to better myself so i wont repeat the same mistakes. I thought being in any kind of relationship, it has to be teamwork.

Am i always going to be the one left in the dark and the one always looking for love? I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of searching and tired of being hurt and tired of being treated like trash. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me and i am especially tired of being alone.

I just want my person now. I hate the waiting game that someone out there may see how special i am even if i still have work to do on my own. Just thinking of this fucking lonliness hurts me so much and i just want to give up, because i don't even care anymore. If i give up, i give up. That's my choice, right?

No matter how many times mt therapist tells me that this will all pass... I just want it all to end. I just want to sleep and never ever wake up. I just want to end it all and sleep forever. I think i would be able to find peace then.

Thank you, to whoever took the chance to read this.