So this is my first time posting. I needed somewhere to let out what my feelings are. I’m so tired. I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal ideation and since HS its been a battle but 3 yrs ago when I started my sophomore year in college, my world changed. Im queer and lived in a queer themed house for POCs because I went to a school in upstate NY with 4k students and about less than an 8th of the students were of color and there was hardly a queer community. I had two female roommates (I’m a male but we signed a lease saying we were cool being in a co-ed triple) but they let me down. I told one (white girl) I was a victim of rape and sometimes had ptsd moments or times where I can wake up shaking. The other roommate (spanish) knew from the yr before because we were friends. But two months into the semester, my white roommate started telling people I was a rapist. She told one of my friends (she didn’t know me and this girl were friends) that she made up that lie in order to have more space in the room for a couch. Without a hearing, I was moved to a new dorm and since I didn’t have a meal plan for campus, I had to fend for myself (the money I would have paid for meals vouchers on campus went to paying for the theme house at the beginning of the semester). Eventually I got myself together but not without being isolated on campus with people hearing what my former roommate said. I attempted suicide (failed) and developed a drinking and smoking issue. Eventually, when I was having a psychosis moment, I went to the counseling center but instead of helping, my counselor said she was excited to have her first psychosis patient. I had a hard time going back there. Eventually I changed schools to go further upstate, like an hour from the Canadian border. I thought I had a fresh start I was wrong. Someone from my old school who I thought I was close to cane to visit me and we hung out. But we drank and smoked to much and I blacked out. From what I know now from that night, he forced me in giving him oral (went to therapy after I was expelled and it came out in a session). At the time I didn’t know. Few months later he accused me of rape and said how the rumors in my old school were true. From then I broke. I tried jumping off a bridge because I believed I hurt him and since I didn’t remember at the time, I wanted to be dead rather than hurt another person. While there was a title 9 investigation, several things came out that made me question the accusation, he called a witness who testified he never even met us, his account of the events didnt match receipts or time stamps, other witness accounts or social media posts in the night in question. What also made me question the story was how he expressed in messages how he was sexually frustrated due to a break up and was considering his sexuality. It also came out that there was a bias among the board. The university chaplin told me that due to the school being out under fire for allowing a professor to return to school with tenure despite several students and faculty coming forward with sexual assault accusations, they were immediately expelling students in title 9 cases (those without lawyers) to save face. In the end I was expelled and I mentally broke down. Since then, and after I had therapy and remembered that night, I felt broken, like I should have stayed to myself and never disclosing I was a victim of rape. I’ve been walking everyday feeling like I am only seen as this predator. Ive self harmed since, felt lost and alone. Its even affected my relationship with my boyfriend where I can’t look at him without wondering “does a part of him see me as a predator too?”. I wake up most days remembering the times ive cried, feeling the urge to end it all and give up on life because as a kid, college was supposed to be my way to leave behind the poverty I grew up in, leave behind the bullying from my peers and find who I was and take my fighting chance. But now, I can’t even my future because all I feel is that I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up, to not feel this empty hole in my chest, to not feel like I can’t trust anyone and to be free from all the pain. My boyfriend and few friends I have left help me stay alive, but.....they don’t know how much I fee I’ve given up. Even after my friends who knew about my roommates lies but didn’t speak up to campus safety or the school about it apologized for being bystanders, I can’t truly forgive them because they could have done the right thing, they could have prevented the chain of events but they stood quiet. To the guy who accused me, he put the nail in the coffin. I believed I hurt him but when I remembered what happened, all I could see was all my previous rapists who hurt or forced me and how now, another part of me is gone. Im sorry for the long post. Im just tired of feeling empty, broken, paranoid and feeling that I gave up because my drive that helped me leave my home city is no longer there and I don’t have much fight in me.