This is more of me try to articulate my feelings anonymously to better understand myself but...
Over the last two months I have hit a really bad low in regards to depression. It is getting harder to keep it together and to keep myself on track. To do things that need to be done and to work on projects that I generally enjoy.

My routine mostly consists of sleeping, going to work, and avoiding all thought by playing video games. It is about the distraction it brings.

While depression has always been an over present illness in my life, I suppose in some ways, my current feelings are being trigger from the isolation due to Covid. Of course it isn't just that. Recently a few of my social outlets have tanked, either due my own mistakes or due to toxicity of other people.

I recently had a falling out with a board game group I was part of for roughly a year. As things progressed, one particular member became increasingly hostile towards me. I could make a whole post on this, but if this were a AITA thread, I think it would be ESH as everyone handled it poorly, including myself.
Shortly afterwards I found out that I was diabetic (not needing insulin at the moment, but can change if I didn't change my eating habits), and my mom was diagnosed with dementia.

All of this is getting harder to handle. I have people I love and they care about me, but I still find myself shutting down and also pushing them away. I realized this and caught myself from doing it, but the urge persists. Negative thoughts continue to invade my everyday thinking, but as I recognize them and try to shift the way i think, they won't subside. I am wholly cognizant of my of how some of my depression is me battling past trauma and genetics, but even understanding that, it still hard to handle it.

I think what it comes down to is this, I hate myself. Its irrational how I hate myself. No amount of self-improvement or bettering myself has changed that. How do I learn to love myself and accept who I am? It seems that so long as I resist doing so that I will always find it difficult to to think others will do the same for me.