I consider my best friend as my family. She's in as bad a situation as I am in life, and I've made the resolution to build a life together with her so I can have a real family one day, get both of us out of our shitty lives and make somewhere I can call home.

But I feel I'm latching onto one person. To me she's my main story, but I feel like I'm all in for this one person, while she's got options.

I don't feel I have the same importance in her life as I give her. To me she's my one and only best friend. To her, she's got three of those.

It's the little things. We'll be on vidcall and she'll perk up like crazy and get so excited when her other best friend comes online. More than I can say she's ever been for me. She constantly talks about her other bfs to me.

And it stings like crazy. My heart hurts. I'm never wanted like that. I wanna cry when that happens but I just stfu and put on a brave face.

As someone suffering from severe loneliness, anxiety, bpd and mdd... You can see where I'm going with this.

I know this isn't good for me. I shouldn't have such faith in one person, especially when I ask for at least as much love as I give in a relationship (almost always getting let down in the process because I fiercely love with all my heart).

Like honestly. All I want is a best friend who will proudly say I'm hers. No second guesses. No BS. Just someone who wants me in their life as much as I want them in mine.

My question is, what does a mentally ill loner who cannot make friends and who's been abused (by his actual biological family) all his life have to do to not make ONE person the center of his whole world?

I've done it before and hurt myself more than anything. I don't want my brain to fool me into making the same mistake again.

I don't wanna be at the mercy of my feelings and my state of mind. I really want to do better. I truly wanna know what it is to be happy for once.

This all just makes me feel so alone. I'm always in doubt about my relationships because of that.

I feel special to no one. I've got nobody to call my own.