Currently I don't know what to do anymore. I just got engaged and it should be something that I am ecstatic for but I am just worried I will turn my fiance into a widow. I am too chickenshit to actually kill myself so here I am. For the past two weeks I have had the worst fucking time of my life. I am so tired, exhausted, just everything. I have been constantly crying at work because I feel like shit yet nobody has the decency to ask me if I am okay. Like am I a fucking ghost?!?! Went to a birthday party the other day and realized if I got shitfaced I could've jumped off the balcony and it would've just been a freak accident. I go to work and just pray that I will slip and fall and like snap my neck or accidentally cut myself and bleed to death. The other day I almost got in a car accident and I was like "fuck that would've been nice". I am just so exhausted. I mean aren't we all?

So yeah here I am about to get ready for another shitty day at work. I just want it to end. I wish I could just pay someone to kill me at this point. I wish that was an option. Or a really really long nap, like forever. I wish my fiance could wake up and forget about me so I can just go on and end it. I mean like really, who wants to be with someone who is such a piece of work. I can't be a decent mother or wife to anyone like this. Why does killing yourself have to be this massive problem? like someone brought me into this awful world without my permission why can't I just take myself out of it without worrying about hurting someone.