This is the first time I’ve been in this blog, also the first time I ever write about my depression freely with a public audience. I share here cuz I don’t feel comfortable posting anywhere where my friends or family will comment because their support actually makes it harder. Today I was in my photo studio, trying to be creative and take pictures since I feel like I never do anymore and I eventually gave up. I hate myself so much that I can’t even do this. I hate looking at myself and I hate everything about me even though I’m really not that horrible of a person. I feel like I’m worthless and like I deserve to feel this way because of my failure to control certain aspects of myself. I’m 32 and I feel like I’ve fucked up my life. Many goals I had for myself I didn’t accomplish and life is leaving me behind. While most people my age have a significant other and perhaps a family, here I am crying like a little bitch who can’t control his feelings and who has no control over his life, alone. I hate who I became. I had so much potential and I didn’t do anything. I honestly don’t see the point. I see myself spiraling down so quickly. Now I’ve been drinking every day to not feel like shit all day long but I know that’s not healthy. Sometimes I think that if I got the coronavirus maybe I’ll have complications and die. That should not be a comforting thought but it is.