May 11th 2020

I feel so many things right now. Sad, anxious, anger, and fear. Just as I was climbing out of my hole I fell back into it. But now looking back, was I even climbing out? Everyone seems to be upset with me that after this whole year, how could I not be better? How can all the med changes and therapy sessions not do anything for me? They did numb me enough for a little while but I slipped and I fell back into the hole again. This time though, it’s different. It’s darker and as everyday passes I can see less and less of the sun. I’m reaching out to grab on to anything to save me from falling to the very bottom. Each night I want to cut myself, not to draw attention or to cut so bad I can’t be saved, I want to cut enough to remind myself, that even though it feels as if my insides have died, they didn’t. I want to feel the rush that says “don’t forget you are alive!” I don’t do it to cause pain, or to hurt my loved ones. It’s a way to bring myself back from the thoughts that are trying to drag me to the bottom. To death. The place I fear the most. Is it healthy? No. But the antidepressant, the anxiety medicine, the weed. It’s not enough. My therapist try’s to help me fight it, and for awhile she could. She’d give me burst of hope and happiness that would only last so long. I got to where I just would tell her and the doctor I’m fine because I didn’t want another med change, I don’t wanna sit in a hospital with people who are strangers. It doesn’t give me comfort to know they are just like me. I don’t want to share my feelings with a group of people.

I am lost and I’m falling rapidly. I don’t know what can stop it this time. The sun is fading and when it’s gone, there will be no coming back.