I woke up feeling ok and went about my normal morning wake up schedule of watching videos so I could get the energy to get up, sadly this was the last happy part of the day so far, I finally leave my room and go into my kitchen to take my medication and decide that because there are no clean glasses for water, I might aswell wash it down with the left over can of cider I left from last night, I follow that up with rolling a cigarette and going outside to smoke and listen to music, something I do to try and sort my head out, after I come back in I proceed to grab an unopened can of cider from the side and start fully drinking. It is now 12:00. I sit back in bed and begin to play my guitar, again trying to lose some of my negative energy in the motion of playing, but soon that simply devolves into me playing random strings together trying to create something out of it but getting nowhere. (And yes I’m aware of the potential allegory of how my efforts are also pointless). I then decide to sit back and drain the can I had on me while watching more videos. After this i spend the next couple of hours just lead down and watching videos with the odd cigarette break to mix it up in a comforting alcohol warmed state, I eventually stop bothering to take my jacket off whenever I come back in to the house from my smoke breaks and elect to instead just lie in bed with it on. I hear people enter and leave my house but no words are exchanged or knocks heard on my door. I begin asking if any of my male friends would want to go for a pint but they don’t answer, I was hoping to maybe talk to them about how I was feeling or maybe just to get out of my own head, but I know that I rely on them too much and I wouldn’t deal with someone half as damaged as I am. Of course I don’t tell them this and I leave it so that they think everything’s ok. Even now I sit in my room, the glow of my screen the only source of light, I can feel my eyes getting heavier despite the time it is and I know that things will get better as they always do and I know that I will feel differently tomorrow and possibly even regret posting this. I just wanted someone to hear me and to get my thoughts out.