I feel like killing myself right now because my beloved cat died. I was depressed but I felt better when she came into my life. Now I feel more than empty. Everything reminds me of my cat. I remember on the last day when she was in the yard, I called into her and she was running back to me. Now I can't work and move properly. Exercise, eating and going outside to expose me to sunlight and make it all better is a chore and it hurt. She left 3 kittens (2 months old).

To start with, my cat went missing since Nov 27 yet I didn't search for her even though it was raining on that day. I was comfortably sleeping while she was outside. When my father asked me to look for her on Nov 28, I started to get worried because I couldn't find her anywhere. I search all day. Then that night, I was devastated when I found her dead body in front of our house. I'm crying my heart out. It hurt when I saw her bloated and filled with maggots. There's that yellowish balloon on her anus too. She's not supposed to be there. Somebody must have intentionally thrown her body that night in front of our house. We assume that she died already on Nov 27 when she didn't come home. No obvious sign of blood or any violent attack. She probably was poison or hit on the head because sometimes she gets close by to chickens.

Then I asked myself, why I didn't look for her earlier on that day? Then I realized, a part of me wanted her to die young than die of old age and suffer. I'm such a horrible person for thinking this way as what I also want to happen to me. Yet I am crying my eyeballs out. I didn't realize how she made me happy when nothing could. I love my cat. She's my only friend I talked to. She should have been alive if only I looked sooner. Now I wanna die but if I die, I'd inflict the same pain to my parents. I feel trap and it hurt like crazy. Everybody leaves me in the end. It's like you're in pain every day you wake up and yet you're not dying. Something always fucks up the good times.