Hi Reddit!

Okay so I FEEL like I'm destroying my relationships and I fucking hate it. Here's the thing: I know it's so lame to be like "oh my depression is making my life worse" and I know I'm not taking the proper amount of responsibility, but I hope someone can read this and say "oh I totally feel that" or something.

I am actively pushing people away and I'm not sure why.

I'm sure it's a cry for help or something, but jesus fucking christ I am truly an attention whore, needing my friends to notice me hurting, when I'd like to say it's the OPPOSITE. I don't want people to think about me, I don't want people to worry, I just want to exist and hurt alone. I'm rude to them because I'm shutting down and hating what I'm contributing to every conversation we have, so I say "I don't wanna contribute anymore" then they are like "okay" and go off without me.

There's this girl I'm talking to, and I really like her and we were supposed to hang out yesterday but I cancelled because I was feeling so depresso mode, and she said it's okay and whatever but it feels very different, no texts back and whatever and I know we're both busy with midterms coming up but I think I just ruined whatever we had, cancelling so last minute. I absolutely hate myself and as patronizing as this sounds I'm sure she could be with someone who's much more level headed and not as sad.

As I reread this I understand how stupid this sounds, I am a twenty year old, jesus christ what am I doing, why am I being a child when truly I should just be doing my school work and whatever.

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Anyways, this is me screaming into the void! I expect nothing back!

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Thanks for reading if you got this far!