But I feel like I have a devil on each. One that wants to keep this shitshow rolling just to see how fucked up it's going to get while the other just wants it to all be over because it's bored with how easy it is to manipulate and corrupt me. I am held back by fear while simultaneously pushed forward by fear of failure. Fear of people realizing just how fucked up I am. So I keep going. Day by bloody day. Just to keep up the illusion of sanity and humanity. I don't want to be here. I don't belong here. I don't fit in.

I've gone so far with the illusion as to accidentally start a family. Accidentally bought a home. Accidentally have a decent job that no one will question. From the outside I've fucking got it all!

I've gotten too good at the charade. Too good at fooling people. So good that anytime I mention my demons, they are dismissed as just a bad day or a change in the fucking weather.

I look so fucking normal to them. How long will it keep going? How long will they just smile and nod as I contemplate all these horrors. As I contemplate the end. I don't belong here. I never have.

And I never will.