Hi first time to ever write this or even tell anyone about it. I think just telling it anonymously and I don't know if this would be acceptable here. But maybe help me get some thing s of my chest. So I have no idea what been going on with me lately like usually I'm grand and just care free and just been myself. But lately I'm having some dark thoughts about things like when my friends don't text me back for hours my brain starts running and making up these scenarios like they are probably gone off without me enjoying themselves but most likely just sitting at home or working or busy with family etc and usually I manage to get my mind away from them thoughts and get on with my day be it just asking my mam or dad how day was and chatting with them for a little while going to bed watch TV and go work. I am working a dead end job no gf. Back living with my folks since broke up with my last gf. A broke ass 30 year old man living in his parents house not even earning enough to rent a place for himself.. But this morning I woke up and for some strange reason my brain went straight into a depressing mode and starting thinking like no one would miss me and thing like how I would end it all and stuff like that and I just kept spiralling down a dark rabbit hole til it got so much for that I literally ended up crying in my bed just glad no one was home to hear or see me crying and then just fell back asleep for a few hours. Now to look at me I'm a 6'5 guy and about 130kg of mix of muscle and chubbiness and to look at most people think I'm scary for some reason. But I'm just a total softie. But this morning these thoughts scared me to hell and I don't know what to make of them... I rang a friend of mine and asked him if he wanted to hang out and I had the idea of just chilling with him and trying to say this shit to him but I just couldn't bring myself to say it. He did ask me couple time was I ok that he sense something was up with me. But literally found it hard to tell him as my father raised me up to be tough guy role and I know all to well if I say anything to my mother I will literally brake down in front of her. And I don't know her reaction to it would be.. I feel a little bit better typing this out but the thought of this morning are still creeping in the back of my head.. Sorry for the long randomness of text and probably many typos just wanted to tell someone.. but I suppose I better just keep on trying to get up and go.. thanks for reading this if you got this far I dunno if you did and think I'm full of s**t that's your opinion but I just wanted to try get this type thing off my chest.