I don't feel connected to reality at all, I can see the real world, but I feel I exist outside of it. All that matters to me is myself and nothingness and I avoid the nothingness by attempting to play a role in the world. Nothing really means anything to me and I cant trust anyone.

As a child I used to be afraid that my parents would kill me as I slept, my parents are good people that never even spanked me. I used to keep the blinds closed on my windows out of fear that I would be shot by a sniper. I can see reality but I can't exist in it, and now I am realizing that my son is suffering from the same thing as me. I could live my life like this, and die eventually cause I drink too much, but I don't want my son to suffer my fate.

I am rambling, and I have to work in the morning, idk if I made any sense, I'm just putting this all out there.