Alright, so I'm a long time sub to this board who never posts, so apologies. Also slightly drunk, so if I have weird phrasing or edits, call me on it and I'll respond tomorrow.

I've been low key dealing with what's probably severe depression for a long time now. Dropped out of college 6 credit hours short of a degree, can't find work except on shittu call center posts, and never hold those longer than a year anyway. All because I give up on myself somewhere along the way. Too much shit in my head that says "you're never going to be good enough to be worth this, so why bother ".

I haven't gone to therapy, or tried medication, etc.. price is always in the way, since rent is due, my parents dont have the means to support me, and dealing with the short term issues comes first to big picture stuff like mental health. Its been years of a "bare survival mode " where me at my good moments saves up for the inevitable end of those, while me at my bad moments uses that responsible saving and planning as an excuse to jump off the wagon.

Anyway, I'd been feeling VERY low the last few weeks, after losing a job I truly liked (due to attendance issues that tied into that apathy/self worth problem), and the one thing that I was really holding out for was Thanksgiving. I'd wanted to do this big friend-giving event where I had people over and played the welcoming host, partly as a tradition from my family, and Partly to prove to myself I was still able to pull off "big" moments in my life.

Well, everyone just left.. and tonight was so successful that even my anxiety/inner demons can't talk me out of being proud of it. All the food turned out perfectly, the folks we invited said they had a great time (and I couldn't find any evidence of deceit in their statements), and I really enjoyed myself as well.

My financial situation remains fucked, and I doubt this good feeling will last for long. But its nice to have an evening that proves my better Angels right. When I'm good, I'm DAMNED good. Its just that around the self loathing and anxiety and everything else, I don't get many chances to be "good" anymore.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Partly selfish, as my good days get scarce and it's nice to bask in them afterwards. Partly to remind everyone here that.. no matter what you're suffering through, no matter how loud those voices in your head are insisting that you're worthless... you can do some awesome shit when you shove them aside. Everybody... EVERYBODY is capable of happiness and great works. Just a question of what it takes to get there, and how steep the hill is you're expected to climb.