Something triggers it like something big (like thinking of the loss of a friend) or small (like dropping something,) and I feel that annoyance/frustration/sadness/hurt, any kind of pain, and then immediately I'm thinking, why did I cause this pain for myself? And I feel like anything bad that happens in my life reflects on me. Sometimes it's easier to brush off like dropping something, but, especially with situations that involve others, I feel like it's really hard to disengage from my thoughts because I'm constantly worried that I'm just not paying enough attention and I'm actually being an asshole. For example like during a conversation with a close friend, they pulled away from my touch. My immediate response was hurt, and then anger at myself for being hurt ('they're allowed to not want to be touched!') which caused me to remove myself from the situation bc I felt ashamed. I'm then in my room thinking 'what if they read me leaving as punishment for not letting me touch them?' as in, that was my true intention but I just wasn't aware. This makes me feel awful, and I'm so angry and disgusted with myself that when they come to talk to me I feel like I need to be distant to protect them from me because 'I'm the kind of person who punishes people for not letting me touch them' Now they feel weird with me being all distant, I feel guilty/angry at myself for being distant but also thinking that I made the right choice because I Am Responsible For All Bad Things Ever and I need to protect people from that.

Does that make sense to anyone sense? I'm so tired