TL;DR highschool ended, left the country, saw some messed up stuff, moved back home, can't commit to important things as depression and anxiety paralyze me.

I'm going to describe to you how the last couple of years have gone out in my life. I graduated in 2015 from high school, and then left the country to do Mission work. I moved to Germany, and lived with a Christian organization called YWAM(Youth with a mission). It was some of the BEST times of my life. I got to go to 14 different countries in Europe, the middle east, and Africa. The whole time we were assisting with pipesway0 work and medical assistance to the people of those countries. Yes our group was Christian, but we ministered to people not through spouting the bible, but through acts of kindness and help.

During my time out of the country, I have been injured by a car bomb in Greece, accidently caught up in a riot in Ethiopia, and had a terrifying experience with a gang in Georgia. I've seen people murdered, kids riddled with disease, and tribes in Kenya emaciated by starvation.

I came back to the US in March 2016 for six months, and that period was terrible. I was working a job that I loved, QA Test at Microsoft, but I felt empty. Useless. Unhelpful. A burden. When I came back, I had to live again at my parents due to being broke(international travel is expensive haha) and that was difficult as well. So difficult that I moved back to Germany in September 2016. I had to be making more of a difference. And I believed being far away from "home" would make me feel better.

But that same emptiness stayed. By the time I got my residence card in November of 2016, I was going through the most severe depression of my life. Yes I'm medicated (lamotrigine) but that heaviness wouldn't go away. It followed me. So again, in march of 2017, I moved back to Seattle.

Again, I had to live with my parents due to depleting my savings from all the plane tickets and apartment rent in Germany. Side note: I don't regret using that money for the places I got to visit and people I got to meet overseas. I was unemployed from March till July.

During that time I was aimless, felt pointless, and experienced deep hopelessness. I ended up trying to do school at a local community college, but each quarter I tried, (summer, fall, and winter) I would slip into a depressive state. I stopped going to class, lied to parents and friends about school, and would literally sit in my car at the school parking lot each day to maintain the lie. Everything in my mental life got worse, but I maintained a job at a gym near me. That was the one constant thing I was committed to. But in march again of 2018, I had a mental breakdown.

The job position I held was being a Membership Engagement Representative. Constant interaction with members all day helping them with their accounts, dealing with angry people tearing me down slowly merely because their automatic payments wouldn't go through. I soldiered through it till March of this year, and then I started experiencing something alongside my depression: anxiety. It crept up on me, slithering into my life slowly. I thought it was just nervousness or being apprehensive about work each day, but it built up.

I woke up like any other day, and immediately froze. My confusion of my future rushed into my head, and I immediately became terrified at trying to imagine my future. I couldn't. I couldn't see a future for myself. Nothing. I immediately stopped caring about my obligation to my job, and completely shut down. I even went as far as to put my phone on airplane mode so I couldn't see my boss's phone call that I'm sure he sent. This went on for about four days. I got a letter that told me I was being terminated. They worded it as "voluntary resignment". And it didn't affect me AT ALL. In fact, I experienced some of the most powerful relief of my life.

One week later my mom told me her and my dad were getting a divorce. She told me while I was driving. I freaked out on the freeway. I could barely see through the tears I was spewing. After 25 years and constant turmoil followed by triumphant success, they were done. One of my foundations I had left is now utterly torn down.

So here we are. May 2018. I'm moving out in a week, and about to start a new job. But I don't feel anything and everything seems pointless.

Please help me.