So basically since I was around 20 my suicidal ideation, when I have it, has mostly been about falling/jumping into water when it's very cold outside (sometimes when it's not). I've started to romanticize it and I think it's weird for a few reasons. I think it's weird for wanting to do it, and then I think it's weird because it's very likely it wouldn't actually kill me. In a way that's comforting I guess but not really.

It does get bothersome when I'm like, crossing a bridge and think about jumping in because that's from a significant height so that could potentially really hurt or the water might be kind of shallow or whatever. There's a specific place that I think about a lot and luckily I don't go there often and it's an hour and a half drive away. I most likely would die if I tried to jump off of it into the creek/river because it's pretty high and I'd have to jump pretty far to actually land in the river/creek so I'd probably break my back or neck. I have no plans of doing it, that's just my ideation.

Then sometimes when I'm waiting for the copier at work to print out papers I'll stand by this railing and look at the floor below and imagine if I just like, leaned over the railing and fell head first what that would be like. That one bothers me too but it's more of a curiosity than something I actually want to do.

Idk, just wanted to share. I don't have a therapist yet and these are just the strange thoughts that go through my head when I'm having bad days.

Edit: I have been doing much much better for about the last month.