Apparently (and embarrassingly), today at work, I had a possible anxiety attack. It was really strange. I didn't wake up angry or upset, at all. If anything, I was in a pretty good mood. I had finished up some novels, enjoyed some coffee, and a lovely breakfast. Suddenly...I'm clocked in at work and maybe about 2 hours in, I start feeling that tightness in my chest. Like a weird blackness or a blanket of sadness come over me. I could feel the tears start forming behind my eyes and my throat got really tight as I tried to keep it together.

I kept telling myself over and over and over again, "Keep it together. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay, okay?" But I wasn't and I'm still not. The next thing I know I'm walking calmly to the back room with my supervisor in tow who asks me if everything is okay. I look at him and before I realize what's happening, I fucking burst into tears. It was embarrassing. It hurt. But fuck, I really needed it.

As much as I really appreciated him calmly talking to me and trying to make me feel better...I just didn't. I hear the same conversations in the past and honestly...It's all just become white noise to my ears. I can't hear anymore cheerful words, no encouragement, no good news, no hope. No hope for whatever I'm feeling to go away. It makes me feel bad, because I know everyone tries hard to make sure that I'm okay, but it doesn't help anymore.

I realize that once it finally has a hold on you...it eats at you more and more and more until you just accept it. You nod at the lovely words but nothing helps anymore. Your mind is already gone and you just feel so sad and everything is dark around you.

What sucks is that I really don't know what's wrong with me. But...I kind of don't care anymore. As long as I function like a human being, eat, sleep, have a little fun to myself here and there...I can hide it or at least have it pushed to the back of my mind until it blows up again.

I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Just gotta keep telling myself that.