Lately, I just haven't been feeling like myself. I'm barely sleeping, I feel like i'm stress eating too much, and I don't know how to make life more exciting for me. I can't make friends anymore because every time I do, I end up never responding or I just get lazy and forget about them. So, I really can't blame them if they talk shit behind my back, right?

I've been struggling a lot with trying to figure out what I want/need to do for my life. I don't want to get stuck where I'm at...But every time I try to motivate myself...fuck. There's that word again. "But." "But this," "But that." I know. I'm always making up excuses and it's all in my head and my lack of discipline that's holding me back. I get it. I fucking get it. I don't need to hear it a million times more.

I dunno. Maybe I'm supposed to feel like this. Honestly...sometimes I don't even care. I don't care if anyone reads this or even responds to it in any kind of shape or form. I don't and wouldn't care if somehow today or tomorrow or the next day would be my last day here on Earth. I'm not a religious person, mind you...but today, I literally just looked up, raised my arms in frustration and surrender, and said, "Alright...you win. I'm done...may I go now?...please? Just let me go. Wherever you choose. Up there or even down there...I'm just done. I don't want to do this anymore." ...you think he heard me at all?

I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired everyday and being happy and smiling is just forced and it hurts me so much. I can't cry anymore or be mad, because I know I'm the only person holding me back from being happy. Sometimes, I just want to drive out to the middle of nowhere and ...i just wish someone would hit me. When I'm walking down the street, I want someone to crash into me with their car, bike, truck...doesn't matter. I just don't want to be here anymore. I give up...I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying...I can't keep it together anymore. As much as I need to for my family, friends, and just everyone. I don't want this anymore.