I spend so much time just sitting in my dirty room wishing I was better than I am. I'm able to identify all the things I need to do in order to at least be in a more positive environment, but I can never bring myself to do them. I sit in front of my computer watching videos that I don't find particularly entertaining or playing video games that I don't have a lot of fun playing. Just to pass the time. And when I get bored doing that I just lay in bed staring at the wall thinking about all of the things that are wrong with me.

It's gotten even worse since I quit my job. I hated the job I had and seemingly had one lined up to follow, but it fell through. Now I don't even have the motivation to find a new job. I just wake up and wait until it's time to go back to sleep.

I smoked weed for 7 years straight without quitting. But I quit for this new job so I could pass the drug test. The last time I smoked was May 1st. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it even though I know that it just contributes to my lack of control.

I never paid attention in school or attempted to discipline myself to learn. Now I have no skills, no extensive interests, no hobbies(except for Magic: the Gathering. Which I hardly even play anymore), and no real life goals.

I had a group of friends that helped me find some solace in the practices in buddhism, but they've all moved away to continue their own lives. Without the help of their motivating push I don't even practice anymore. It's like when I'm living for others I feel motivated to show them I can be better but I can't find a way to live for myself.

I tried and failed to hang myself when I was 16. That was seven years ago and though I see the pointlessness in suicide I still think about it frequently.

Some days I don't even eat for the first 6-10 hours of the day. I simply can't convince myself that it's worth the effort. I bail on planned events and friend's get togethers because I feel like my presence there won't even make a difference.

"I just wanna go home."

I keep having that thought involuntarily running through my head while I'm laying in bed or sitting at my computer. I don't know what it means.

I'm so lost. I feel like a broken person and that no one around me understands what I'm experiencing.

What do I do?