I really don't have much motivation to write this but I feel like I should just to share with any of those who care.

Throughout my entire life (even though it's relatively short, 17 years old here), my family struggled with money. My family consisted of my mother, my brother, sometimes a boyfriend, and me. My biological dad was brought here from Cuba along with his family all because of my mother, yet he still abused her and they've been divorced since. My mother has tried very hard for a long time to sustain our family, mainly through waitressing or coercing some man to join our family and essentially help us out. It's been many cycles of men entering my life and leaving as soon as the relationship didn't work out, until the worst one left us in August. My mother married this man, Jim, so we moved in and I had a relatively nice summer while taking some college classes and attending my dance studio's summer classes/team auditions without much stress. Once late July rolled around, their relationship went downhill because of trust issues and Jim left the house (he bought it under his name before they married) for a couple weeks. He continuously came back, took our groceries and "what belonged to him" and after a while my mother took out a restraining order on him. In early August, my first day of Junior year, I had to miss school to come with my mom to the court hearing (at this point my brother left to his university). We got the restraining order, if you call that an achievement, but we had to immediately leave the house that day with 10 minutes of police supervision to take our belongings. We were essentially homeless since we didn't have any land or room to our names. Thankfully my mom's friend let us stay in his living room, which was next to two rooms filled with a drug-addicted mother, her intimidating boyfriend, and two daughters. I was at such a vulnerable and depressed state at this point. One of the saddest parts was the fact that I had my first rehearsal the day after the eviction but I didn't realize this because I was so caught up in the fact that we were homeless. After a week, I found an efficiency/studio ad on craigslist and showed it to my mom. This is where we have been living since August, a very nice and furnished but small living space for two people for $600/month.

Fast forward to the current situation that has me in this mental dark hole. My mom has continuously been trying to find a man to be with and provide for us, but with every breakup comes with dark times that includes her becoming extremely upset and taking out her anger on me. I didn't mention this before, but she has mental issues, she was diagnosed with anxiety and bi-polar disorder. From August to now, my mom has periodically started going on her rampages and has been slowly chipping away at my self-esteem. She's ended up telling me things like how I'm a liar, I'm just a leech to her life, I'm such a terrible person, I'm ungrateful, I'm not important, I'm worthless, how nobody cares about me, how she's going to kick me out as soon as I become 18, and if I were to kill myself I should jump off the highest building in the city. I don't know you think of this as superficial and it's nothing to be butthurt about, but hearing this from your own mother doesn't make you feel like the happiest person in the world. This isn't just something she said once and "she didn't really mean it", its been starting to collect in my mind over time, it's been repeated to me multiple times, and she really doesn't care if I killed myself. This verbal abuse to my mental being started sparking everything else I hate about my life, which I believe is normal for episodes of depression. I was overweight when I was younger and that just brought along being socially awkward. I'm not really awkward at this stage in my life but some of it can show at times. In general, I don't feel like I'm cared about by my peers. I feel like I don't have that many to begin with but the ones I do have don't bring me along when they do fun things. I'm just seen as an annoying piece of shit and I feel like they just try to avoid it. I'm also dealing with a tough decision on whether I should continue dancing competitively or attempt to get a job come senior year. I absolutely love dancing and I want to continue next year, but it does cost a hefty amount to enter competitions. On the other hand, I feel like I should just get a job to make things a little better, but I know as soon as I do, I'll enter another episode of constant depression. Living in an area filled with privileged and sometimes pretentious often-white people, their money makes you feel like a speck of absolute filth. I really wish I was born into a financially stable family so I could live comfortably without having to wonder if my mom's boyfriend is going to leave us and we're going to be living off her government checks.

At this point I don't even know how to convey everything that's been going on and I feel like I sound like a high school bratty hormone-imbalanced teenager. I've just been constantly on the verge of crying for two entire days in the same room as my mom while regretting everything that I am. I'm sorry if I wasted your time reading this and if it seems very insignificant. I'm getting frustrated trying to fit everything in a textpost without trying to make it a wall of useless text, so I'm sorry yet again if it's too long. I do feel a little better now that I wrote this entire thing but I'm just waiting for it to come back again.