I'm genuinely curious what it's like to just be satisfied with life while not in a romantic relationship. I keep hearing about how bad it is if you can't be happy being single, but I'm having a really hard time relating to anyone who says they're OK with it.

It's like this... When I'm in a relationship, a large part of me is fulfilled and happy. I can use the relationship as a sort of pillar to hold the rest of me up. I'm more motivated, creative, driven, thoughtful, open, and just generally happier. I don't even need the relationship to be the primary focus of my days, I just need it to exist and to both be in love with and be loved by this person. So the relationship provides the foundation for my happiness and all the motivation it gives allows me to focus on other stuff that will help bring more happiness to the relationship (eg money and fulfillment).

When I'm not in a relationship though, everything goes to hell. I lose motivation, creativity completely dies, I don't want to get out of bed, I take extra naps, I feel empty and begin not caring if I just died in my sleep.

This is all hitting me pretty abruptly. I was in a 12 yr relationship that we mutually decided should end (remained best friends) but then I got into another relationship with a girl I fell madly in love with. It ended for no particular reason besides her not being in love with me anymore, right before our year anniversary and my birthday.

So now I'm supposed to just be OK with being single? Besides the obvious hurt that a breakup can lead to, I feel completely dead inside most days. I can't focus on work, I can barely make myself get out of bed, and when I do get up I just mindlessly do shit that I feel I need to do in order to maybe one day find another relationship - yoga, eating healthier, etc. But I do all that stuff for the sake of finding another relationship to where I can normalize again and get back to trying to live my life.

I would ask my last gf how she liked my hair, which of my clothes she liked best... Stuff like that. She'd say I should just be myself and not change because someone else wanted me to. But I don't understand that at all. It feels like just something you're expected to say and believe. I don't give a shit what my hair looks like as long as she likes it. What other reason do I have to care about my hair style or what color shirt I wear?

Anyway, I'm having a hard time with all this. The last time I was single was about 13 years ago in college and it was for 4 years. I forgot how terrible that was but it's all coming back to me now. I don't know if I need to learn how to be happy alone or if that's bullshit and people just claim they can be happy alone because that's how typical human defensive behavior works.

edit I think it's important to note for those who are happy being single whether you've had long term, loving, non-abusive relationships in the past. If you've had great long-term relationships and are still completely content being single, I don't understand you and definitely want to hear from you :)