My depression has never been treatable, I've tried a bunch of different SSRIs, SNRIs, lithium, depakote, trazodone, etc, etc. Nothing helps, except cannabis does temporarily, and helps me sleep, but it's not a cure or anything. It's not something chemical, it's something that's at the core of my being, part of my personality.

I feel like I'm going to die soon, but I've felt this way for a while. I'll be making dinner, and just start getting sad because my youngest son, who is only 1 y/o will never get to know me because I'll be dead.

I have some suicidal ideation, but no real attempts, unless you count not caring about my health and things like that. Suicide's not really an option, I have three kids.

It also affects my life. why try hard and succeed if I'm just going to die soon? I'm a pretty rational person, so I know this isn't necessarily the case, as I'm 38 years old now, and this has been going on for a long time.

It affects jobs, which I hate and start to feel like they're pointless in the grand scheme of things. It affects relationships, alcohol abuse, health, everything. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I hate everything I write and destroy it. I just can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I don't have a question, just seeing if anyone is similar to me.