Sometimes I struggle, I hate my job even though I work for a great company who pays well(I know #firstworldproblems) I just can't stand the actual drudgery of what I do. I hate myself for not being productive while I am at work. I fear getting fired because I need to support my family and that's really the only thing of value I do in this life. I just feel broken. I feel like I'm lost in how to "do life". I see my coworkers plugging away and it just makes me despise myself more and more. Even the things I do for fun are starting to dim. I moved and don't really have any friends here nor do I have the energy to make more or the want to inflict my bull shit on another person. I'm exhausted and afraid and strung out. I know there are things that can help. I'm too scared to even start those because the last time I started an Anti Depressant my anxiety went through the roof. Sorry for the verbal Diarrhea. Sometimes I just need to say something to keep existing.