i feel guilty because i am depressed. i live with my parents. i have no job. i barely get out of the house. i dont have any money for additional schooling. i play fucking video games all day because the instant im not playing all i can think about is how much medication im on and how totally fucked i am.

i can barely get out of the house. sometimes i can sign up for volunteer opportunities to atleast have a purpose, but i find myself fucking it up and never returning because i am afraid of interaction with others due to my ocd and social anxiety.

i have a therapist and a psychiatrist. i have medication. i can't tell if any of this is working or not. i can't tell anything whatsoever. i just feel nothing.

this doesnt make any sense. i just wanted to write it down, i feel lonely and i just want somebody to listen to what i have to say. i dont really get listened to, i just get told what to do.

the program i want to go to school for is way too expensive. i can barely function enough to even consider a job to save up and pay for it. i hate my life, and i hate that i have no future, and i hate that depression takes all my motivation. whenever i talk about it its like im letting everyone down. everyone around me has tried so hard to support me i feel bad that most of it isn't working.

i just wish i could be honest. to top it all off, im a female with a monthly mood disorder that ruins every single bit of progress i make every month. it alienates me from everything.

i am sad and lonely.