I feel like I just exist. I do my best to be true to myself. I feel like I am a being of love and light and wish to help all those who need me. I also feel so alone. I decided to kill the part of me that wanted and needed to be loved. I always feel alone. I had a surprise doctors appointment today when I only expected one ans I freaked out and cancelled both. I am finally starting to calm down.

My panic attacks and emotional episodes are harming my mother and I need to learn to hide them from her. I love her and I do not want her to freak out as well. I feel so bad when she freaks out over me. Buys me things.

I feel like I am living in new the love of my mom who buys me things I want and I feel. That i am a bad person for wanting things. I feel incompetent in that i cannot get a good job. I don't drink, smoke etc. I don't have a partner or anything. I have a cat whom I love. Dearly. So i spend my time in toys and video games and movies.

I am losing weight which is the biggest accomplishment of my recent life.

I feel like a failure. I get depressed and I get attached to things like toys that I really want but I do not ask my mom. She is struggling with finances.

I feel terrible. Like I was eaten up, chewed on, then spit out by a rancor because he found me disgusting and I am in pain while people take turns urinating on me betting on when the er will get there laughing at my pain.

Ever have people tell you that the job you were applying for has changed the moment they see you? I feel judged because of my ethnic background and religious affiliation. I feel that no matter how much I love. I will not fit in. Very few people will love me for who I am. The complete me. Not just aspect they like.

I will. Not give up. I will. Not surrender. I am not dumb enough to go to Zahadoom.. I have no expectations from any one.