I turned 24 on Thurs. I am not a birthday person at all. I spent the majority of the day away from everyone and mostly sitting in a parking lot. My family asked what I wanted and I just responded with, "nothing, no special food, no gifts, and no cake." They have been helping me financially since I lost my job in February. I would feel even more shame if I asked for gifts on top of that. So woke up at noon, walk into the kitchen and see Hawaiian barbeque and a cake. My heart just sank.

I hate my birthday, it's a yearly reminder that none of my goals have been reached and I am wasting my life. I understand that it's my fault and if I want something better I have to do it. At this point I've just lost the motivation and ambition to do anything.

It's been over a year that I kind of had a breakdown and was put on meds, they have helped greatly. I don't feel that crushing mental pain that kept me from doing anything. The issue now is that I don't feel excited for anything, I don't even feel sad. I'm just walking around aimlessly. It just feels weird, I can feel the depression although it isn't a crushing sadness, it's more like a meh. I don't read anymore I haven't watched my favorite TV shows and if I don't exercise everyday then oh well. Is it possible for me to be depressed but not exhibit signs of sadness but mostly shame? It's being depressed without being depressed.

My parents sang happy birthday to me but in my head all I could think was, "I am so sorry for having been born, I've been a huge disappointment from the beginning. I have cost you thousands and have shown no sign of drive out passion." They've said that they're proud of me and that they love me but why? I have contributed nothing, I have amounted to nothing if anything, I have destroyed some of their life. I'm just not a good person, not a good son.

I've been cleaning my room for days, throwing shit that I don't need away. Once I'm completely done, I think it will be time to go. Go some place where no one can find me. At least then I would've disappointed them for the last time.

Thanks for reading. And sorry for the length.