Well, its tomorrow now, this happened March 31st. I know its April Fools, but I'm sure this sub doesn't mess around at all, it just so happened to be the day I broke down. I've never done something this long before so bare with me.

TL;DR College freshman who hates his major and sucks at it finally let all his built up feelings get to him. Only enjoys one thing in life, video games. Looking for help to motivate me in school and life, or maybe just someone to talk to on a regular basis.

So the story begins a while ago, I don't know when exactly, but as long as i remember i have been depressed. I was never diagnosed with anything, as many before me, but I know. I have hated life for a very long time and even suicide has been thought of before. I grew up in an upper middle class home, in a very good area, and went to an excellent high school. I have friends, good friends even, and I'm not angry at anyone except myself really. I just have no one to talk to, about anything. The only problem is that no one knows. I have been perfectly content dealing with this on my own, and it worked mostly, until now. I mean, i drop hints like I'm sure most of you do, mine are just really subtle. The question has been raised before and I do my best to avoid it, I never really want to bother anyone. Some people know some small things so saying "no one knows" isn't entirely accurate. I want to keep living, most of the time...

I am currently freshman at a good university, in fact it is the best in my major. The only problem with that is I hate my major, and I'm not very good at it either. I never had any trouble in high school, and got good grades without trying, sorry if you weren't one of those it's just relevant to my story. I got to college and got hit by a truck. Not a literal truck, but a huge heaping pile of "you were not meant to go to college". I was in no way prepared for the huge amounts of work and the incredible number of people who were way smarter than I am.

I never learned how to study.

I never learned how to manage my time.

I never learned how to take notes.

Now before you say this doesn't belong here, this belongs on /r/rants, I'll get to the meat of it. I have never been to terribly caught up in grades, although it probably doesn't sound like it from above, but the week before last was the worst week of my life. I had 4 extremely hard tests and 2 essays due in a three day time period. I cracked down to study and do well and now finally after spring break I find out i fail three of the tests. Getting the third failing test back in class broke me. I sat in my seat, alone and cried the remainder of the period. Didn't make a whole scene about it and kept it to myself but I cried the whole time. It wasn't the first time I cried, nor while it be the last but this was the most emotional so far. I continued through the day with a rough mask on, and decided to come here.

My real problem isn't school, it isn't grades, it is an extreme lack of motivation. I am honestly impressed i am able to get out of bed each day to go to classes, with the little motivation I have. I only enjoy two things in life:

Being an ent (smoking) and video games.

Now this is beyond a passion for video games, it is an obsession it is one of the only things I live for. I'm not particularly good, I'm not some amazing game designer either, it's just the only thing that makes me happy. Now if you've stuck with me this long I'm truly grateful, thanks for hearing me out. I'd love some advice on how to get motivated for anything besides playing video games. I've decided that I will go to the mental health clinic on campus for the first time today, so I'll see how that goes. Thanks for listening everybody.