I have this weight on my chest. It's all the guilt I've ever felt. It's everything all the pain I've ever caused coming back to get me. Every time trust was betrayed through my actions. It's pushing on my chest and making my breath short. I know it's just feelings but the pain is real. I'm loosing my breath over it, it's crushing me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hide it for the life of me, and it's going to start making me really unlikable to the people around me. I need help. I need real help. I'm seeing a therapist, but I also need to save money and I can't afford it... It feels like I'm drowning, and all I can do is beg for something to put me out of my misery. I don't want to feel this guilt anymore. It's not like I haven't apologized, I've taken responsibility for my actions. But by some I just haven't been forgiven and maybe I never will. I can't bear it anymore.

How do I stop feeling this way? How do I forgive myself? What does it even mean to forgive yourself? How selfish do you have to be to actually judge your own actions as water under the bridge. I just want some kind of punishment I can quantify, some pain I can pass off as payment.