The 'settling in' period is coming to a close and people are segregated into their own cliques. I've always had trouble making friends, I have plenty of acquaintances and always have, but the nature of my experience at college is that I just haven't found anyone who I'd seriously want to become true friends with.

I took a gap year 2013-14 (ostensibly to save money for college but that didn't work out), all of my friends had gone to college so I'd only see them between terms/semesters. The difference then was that I'd still have my parents to talk to every single day and I just didn't appreciate it until now. The impact of having nobody I can trust implicitly, nobody I can confide anything important in, it's just taking a fucking toll.

Seminars and lectures are fine for casual small-talk, "hey how are you, how was your weekend" etc., other than that my social interactions are 100% shallow and alcohol-fueled with a soundtrack of terrible pop or dance music. I cant remember having an interesting conversation with anybody, sober or otherwise. This is partly my fault but I'm just very careful about who I share myself with, maybe my standards are too high in that regard. I just haven't yet found myself in a space where true openness is even appropriate.

Over the last few weeks this has just been wearing me down especially after a huge round of assignments were handed in, which left me with a lot of free time that would otherwise be spent buried in work. I have plenty of time alone in my dorm with little to do but browse the internet and think about shit, which never ends well. I used to find pleasure in my major but that's pretty much gone and I've slid back into old habits of procrastination. I've stopped cooking meals and I'm going to the gym less and less. I made the costly error of leaving my PS3 at home as I was under the impression that I'd struggle to find the time for it without negatively affecting more important things such as work and socialisation. All I can say is that I am fucking delighted that I'm going home for the holidays on Thursday.

The fact that this semester is nearly over is what is keeping me from buying crates of beer from the nearby convenience store (UK uni, legal age is 18) and drinking myself silly. I've been clockwatching for over 2 weeks now. I don't even know if I'm depressed, it's probably more just crippling boredom. I just dont really feel anything. I laugh when I binge-watch The Office but at the same time I'm watching that clock and waiting for when its time to sleep. I think I'd go insane if I had insomnia.

I'm also still a virgin. That sucks. I had my first kiss a few weeks ago though, it was a depressing snog in a nightclub stairway, I didn't know her name. A girl I really like and respect said I'm "such a woman" and that I'm "too sweet", kind of half-jokingly but I know exactly what she means. It just makes me feel sick that I know exactly what I have to do to lose my virginity (I'm good-looking and physically fit so I don't break the golden rules), I'm just not prepared to do what it takes, it just feels fucking wrong.

I'm consoling myself that the coming break will allow me to recharge my batteries, get some new perspective on things, finally do what I've been telling myself I should and buy a guitar and get into electronic music production, write for the college magazine, basically just fill life with things that I like and will fulfil me creatively. But ultimately I'm scared to death that my social anxieties and self-esteem issues will send me into just another downward spiral of isolation and then depression next semester.

tl;dr I feel like a eunuch and I'm standing on the precipice of alcoholism, and I'm sat here waiting for mummy and daddy to save me from the adult world. Fuck.