Hi. It5thebum here. I really don't know how to say this so I guess I can just type as it comes to me. Since I was in kindergarten I've been bullied about my weight and for the better part of my early years I've been depressed. As an example I will say that as a 3rd grader I weighed 164lbs. The year after I started wrestling. It made me lose a shit ton of weight. I was 120lbs flat.

But still was bullied as I was the definition of a pussy. I hit middle school looking like a toned up version of Dylan Sprouse. Got into my first fight and became known as the kid not to fuck with my friends (whom I still hang with today) have become my lifelong buddies through every down moment in my life. I never considered myself good looking or even modestly attractive. But in 8th grade I managed to get myself a girlfriend. I was king of the world, a in shape body a beautiful girlfriend and great friends, and I was the guy you didn't want to face on the mat. Life was good but, alas, I missed my 7th grade emo faze and got it a year later. When my girlfriend dumped me (we can call her K) I lost all self confidence, form and sanity.

That was the year I became truly depressed. That year was the year I tried to end it. I took a cocktail of anything I could find in the medicine cabinet and chugged it down with 151 proof bacardi. This was a 14 year old trying to take his own life over shitty grades, shitty home life, and breaking his arm 1 day before the state tournament I shouldve won. I didn't have to get my stomach pumped lucky me, but I didn't die either. Dammit I couldn't kill myself the right way. Shit I couldn't do anything right. My parents just wanted me to pass middle school and to stay in shape.

I passed but freshman year I gained 60lbs. But I was still average. I winded up becoming and alcholic in a way at 15 years old. Drinking rum and vodka everyday before school. I remember one particular day I just said fuck it and brought my bottle with me, and getting plastered in the bathroom. I stumbled into class got into my seat and passed out. I felt nothing. I felt no sense of self worth or belonging or even hope. I tried again to end it a few months into the school year. I was going to climb a tree tie my belt around my neck and onto the branch and jump. As I prepped to do so and the leaves were falling and the sun was shining I thought to myself... "what a beautiful world. It will be even more so with me out of it."

And I jumped. The belt tightened and the momentum tore the branch clean off. Again I couldn't do it right. When winter came around wrestling season started up. I went to try outs and was wrestling varsity at 189. Life became bearable. My school work was absolute shit but I didn't care. My confidence was coming back and I became my old self again. It was a good season and I was already getting scouted as a FRESHMAN.

The rest of that year went of without me getting worse. I hung out with friends and stopped drinking. I passed most of my classes and moved up to sophomore. I didn't care about school just wrestling but because of my shit grades I couldn't participate because my grades sucked. I again fell back into my depression and self loathing but my friends were here for me. They rebuilt me and made me stronger. Kept me alive to be honest. They gave me a reason to wake up the next day. For awhile I was happy.

No more depressing thoughts no more bad habits just me and my friends taking it day by day. The year after I didn't wrestle. I just chilled I did better in school and was even offered an advance science corse to take my senior year. But I gained my weight again. I was now 16 turning 17 and 213lbs. So my dad enrolled me into a MMA gym. I becaame a yellow belt in BJJ and a pretty bad ass Tuy/kickboxer. As a senior year I got back on the mat and wrestled heavyweight 220-280lbs. I was 5'10 and 212lbs going against beasts.

And I would still kick all sorts of ass. Again my self confidence came back I became charismatic and even got me a girlfriend. (We'll call her S) so S and me have been dating for awhile and my birthday rolls around. It's Oct 1st and. and I and I have just given blood at my schools blood drive and I gave enough to get 2 free movie tickets out of it. S finds me after school and we head back to my place to "celebrate". I lost It on my bday I was super happy about it. I became the man I've always wanted to be. Only 1 piece was left. That was graduating and getting Into the military.

S and I broke up 3 months after my bday because she was moving and to this day I still keep in contact with her. S is the only girlfriend I've had and left on good terms with. Fast forward to June of of that year. I start talking to the biggest mistake of my life.

For the sake of anomity we will call her bish. Now Bish was perfect for me In everyway except except she was a psycho and liked to cheat. I didnt know this and when I graduated and left for basic she cheated on me with her abusive X and her childhood bestfriend. Oh and had to kill the kid she was knocked up with from one of them that that I that I wasn't told about until after I was kicked out for not passing a PL test with a broken back. To make matters worse. She gave me chlamydia.

And it's apparently my fault. Wtaf. How? How is it my fault? Our relationship was Toxic. I called it quits once I found out and I resent and hate her for the 9 months I spent with her. Dispite this I was still pretty happy. It wasn't until recently that I began re feeling empty and I just don't know what to anymore. To anyone who has gone through something like this please tell me how you've moved on. I cant keep living like this.

Sorry for the wall of text. Thank you to all who have read this monstrosity. All comments and advice is welcome.