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I'm not sure why I am typing this, maybe it's to get it out, maybe it's to talk, or maybe to find help.. I honestly don't know. I don't know any of you, and I know you certainty donāt know me. If anyone actually reads this whole thing I will be surprised, and would be willing to buy you a drink if I ever get my feet back on the ground.
Long story short, I found out my wife was pregnant. We tried for 8 years to have a kid, I am now 33, and she medically wasnāt able to at minimum have an exceedingly slim chance of being able to conceive. All of a sudden out of the blue we realized how late she was on her period and took a testā¦ BAM..11 week old miracle already in progress.
At first I was confused, I was then happy, and then I all of a sudden felt guilty, guilty of my faults in life, guilty of the mistakes I have made, guilty to the point of sheer pain and decided to make amends. I donāt really know why this was the moment of all moments in my life to cause this life altering change to myself, but it was. I decided to start with the big stuffā¦
I donāt want to go into details, but long story some time ago; I took some money from my job and did my best to cover it up. I never admitted this, and I had my reasons for doing it at the time which was what some people would feel were noble and in the area of understandable desperation, but in the end it was wrong. I decided I needed to tell my boss what I did and come clean. I figured I would admit my mistake and offer to pay the money back. Until this time I had a clean record, 10 years of exceptional service, multiple accommodations, I figured this would hurt, but I needed to get this off my chest.
Long story short, I was terminated. Terminated from a job I loved, from a place where I pretty much grew up, terminated from a lot of people that I feel I truly let down. All my life, I never really did anything this monumentally wrong, I donāt do drugs, never smoked a cigarette, helped anyone in need, would have been willing to give the shirt off my back if someone asked for it. I was always a āgood personā I always lived my life by the motto of āHave fun, but donāt hurt anyoneā Now I was terminated, and not to mention with an investigation to all of my accounts that I had access to. An investigation that may or may not happen in an unknown period of time and could result in further legal actionā¦. ā¦ ā¦ I just wanted to pay the money back.
That Sunday I went to church with my wife for the first time since High School. I wasnāt entirely sure why at the time, as up until this point I was a near Militant Atheist that only left the door open for some specific possible Buddhist philosophies and beliefs, but was about as Anti-Christian as they came at this point. However I went, I had a good time actually and really felt a bit of peace from the event.
I did some soul searching, and I realized long story short, I was not a good person the last few years of my life. I thought I was, I have lots of people who will stand by my side, but I wasnāt. I let a bad choice snowball into worse choices, and it all culminated to thisā¦. I never meant for this to happen.
I prayed and turned myself to God, which I know is not the most popular of Reddit opinions, but I felt it was what I needed to doā¦. And I prayed some more. I spent nearly every day for two weeks at the church, talking with our pastor, trying to get my life together. I am happier with my spiritual life then I have ever been in all my years (This is not necessarily the moral of my story, so please bear with me a little more). During this time I started the necessary process of getting my familyās affairs in order.
My wife is pregnant; we only have a little money to our names; and I have no jobā¦.
As unemployment is obviously denied I start the job huntā¦ I have a friend who is a professional writer and helps get my resume in order, and to be honest, itās a very impressive one. I have lots of qualifications. I spent years doing multiple full time jobs in the same company due to people leaving; working terrible overtime to keep the place in order. On paper, I think itās extremely impressive, and I have been told that it looks extremely impressive. I spend the next few weeks sending our resumes until god awful hours in the morning, and everyone eventually getting to the question:
Why did you leave your last employment?, Why were you terminated? May we contact your former employer?
Every time this question cuts into my soul, I cry, I answer as honestly as I canā¦ Lying got me into this mess; I canāt use it to get out. I get a few call backs, a few good leads, and I get let down. Iām over qualified in some cases, in others they have found candidates that are more suitable for the position; others donāt even bother to call me.
I pray againā¦ I cry, I begā¦ I fall apartā¦.
I desperately just want a second chance, if not for me, but for my family. I know I made a mistake, but Iāve learned from this mistake and all I want is a chance to prove it to someone and I swear they will have the hardest working employee that they have ever seen. My wife has stood by patiently, waiting for some good news trying hard to keep myself and her in one piece as well as protect this unborn baby that we shouldnāt even haveā¦. Money is starting to dwindle downā¦.
I try to keep myself together, I try to stay calmā¦ but it doesnāt work. My dreams haunt me, my brain goes to darker placesā¦.. I keep getting told everything is going to be alright, everything is going to be okay, you made a mistake, youāre humanā¦ as long as you learn from it, you will be a better person for itā¦.. but I continue to fall apartā¦.
I canāt sleep well, and when I do my dreams haunt me, thoughts stay with meā¦ I feel terrible for what I have done, I feel as though I am being punished, and have not been able to fix it, and furthermore cost my family itās future.
I start to pray for my wife to find something better, something or someone that can take care of her better than me. She keeps telling me how proud she is of what I have done in the last few weeks, how I am going to be such a wonderful Daddy. I canāt bear the thought of missing any second of my babyās future, but then canāt handle even more the thought of how much I already screwed it up. I just want her to be happyā¦
I pray for my family, my friends, my future, my babyā¦ Iām desperately looking for hope; I give myself to God in the process realizing I canāt control my lifeā¦
I cry some moreā¦. And moreā¦.
Another rejection, and anotherā¦. And another
Here we are nowā¦ I am looking at a letter I received from my old employmentā¦ Health Insurance, expires end of March. Life Insurance, Expires End of Aprilā¦ along with the amount itās worthā¦.
ā¦.
Why would they even send this to meā¦ I lost everything, knowing my only concern left was for my family and for my wife to be okay.
If something were to happen to me though sheād get this much moneyā¦ now I canāt get my brain to leave that thought aloneā¦ I donāt want to expect to use this informationā¦ but I canāt help how I feel, nor how logical it seems to beā¦
Bottom line is Iām not okay, I lost it all and I donāt know how to fix it. I just want a second chance so badly and no one seems willing. I just want to rebuild and fix my lifeā¦ yeah I screwed upā¦ but pleaseā¦ please God just help meā¦
Iām sorry that this seemed to tangent off hereā¦ but this is where I am todayā¦ if you made it this far, I will try to hold true to my word whenever I have money againā¦
ā¦Thank You
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