Bleh, my second post here.

So a little back story. I've had depression and anxiety for the past two years been on meds since then. Meds usually work but I still have episodes of very low moods. Change usually triggers it. First real episode happened after I finished school and all I did was stay home and game and internet. Got over that and had a really good week of happiness but then it eventually came back down.

Second episode is happening right now. Finally got in University, so I moved 3 hours away from home. First week or two was full of emotional breakdowns and anxiety attacks. Kinda calmed down after that but then it started to affect my attendance and grades. I've had 2 counselling sessions so far which didn't really help so, I'm going to try a different counsellor (the first one said I was rebellious because I said I didn't want to go to class because I didn't care, even though he knows I have mental issues).

Well now with that out of the way, lets get to the main story. This weekend has brought on some bad thoughts. I have lots of work due this week and can't seem to find the motivation to do it. Some of my classes are marked for attendance and participation and since I'm missing them it's starting to get to me. My sleep cycle is completely screwed since I don't like to sleep and can't fall asleep on command. I can't tell what is just laziness (since I am a regularly lazy person) and what's the depression. I feel like I'm stuck. If I stay in school, I won't get anything done (but I would be set up with a good degree in Comp Sci, if I graduate) and if I go home, I would probably fall back into being a NEET.

I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my roommate and neighbour in dorms, and I'm pretty isolated. I've went to one club, anime club, but I quickly left since they scared me. I'm a misanthrope too, so I don't really want to go out and meet people either. It's like I want to be alone, but my brain keeps telling me to talk to people or be miserable. I have a case meeting with the Disabilties Office Monday to see how they can accommodate my illness, but it feels like I'm using it as an excuse.

I kinda just want to get checked into a hospital, so I can get away and figure out what is going on completely with my head, but I'm not suicidal, so like I said I feel stuck. If I was a more emotional person, I probably would be suicidal right now. The way I process it right now is I'd rather live a life of misery than no life at all. I almost wish I was suicidal, because it seems that help would be much easier to get. I've been thinking of calling Kids Help Phone or something, because the 1 hour a week of counselling isn't even close to enough.

Eh, that all I can think about typing for now. Hopefully someone can get through the wall of text and give me some advice.