Hello, I’m just going to get introductions over with. I’m a 22 year old male, my wife left me in September of 2024, but that’s not when all of my problems started, I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been hard on myself, I’ve never been good to myself for long, it’s always spurts of petty effort, then long depressive episodes where I just completely break down and struggle to do basic tasks such as bathing or eating. If you’ve ever seen Bojack Horseman, just picture me as him basically. I love to play the victim, I verbally abused her after she left me, I said a lot of things I’ll never be able to take back, and I wish I could move on and just pretend like it never happened, but she never wants to talk to me again, and I’m stuck with having to learn to forgive myself. I don’t want to forgive myself is the problem, I want to just keel over and die, never having to go through the pain of losing someone you thought you knew. I have major self esteem issues, they partly derive from my preferences when it comes to love and partners… I have a fart fetish, it developed when I was a kid, and for all my life I’ve never enjoyed having penetrative sex, the only sort of “outer course” I enjoy, involves my fetish, as well as kissing and cuddling. They’re the only forms of love I know, and they’re all I want from the physical side of a connection with someone. I wasn’t able to supply my ex wife with the sex she so desperately desired, and she made me feel like shit when I tried and failed, I tried my best to satisfy her, but when I couldn’t, she’d say “You make me feel unattractive”, like me not being able to get off was her fault… I know the only way I’ll ever be happy is if I find someone who has the same love style as me, but in this society, where do I even find someone who’s into the same things I am, and is okay with me not having sex with them… I’ve lived alone all my life, I’d never had a real connection with anyone until I met my ex wife, she gave me hope that I’d have a good life, she took that away from me. I begged on my hands and knees for her not to leave me, but she left and now she’s happier without me, I know she’s better off without me. I get the urge to kill myself every single day, I can’t go a single day without thinking about her, I’ve wrote to her in my journal more times than I can count in the last 4 painful months. I don’t want to be alone, I can’t stand the thought of living the rest of my life without meeting the perfect person for me, that’s not the life I want for myself… How do I go about my life if the only way I’ll ever be satisfied is by finding a woman with the same love style as me? There’s no guarantee that I’ll find my soulmate, should I just give up?