I have suffered with mental health issue's since I can remember.(I'm a 38F from the UK) The doctors and psychiatrist have said they believe that I have been born this way, with severe depression and a bunch of health conditions. My life was not great, rape, physical and mental abuse, suicide attempts multiple OD's. My home was a strange one Mum, Dad and Stepdad. Turns out my biological father was my sisters bf and my mum got pregnant with me because my stepdad couldn't get her pregnant. We all lived in the same house. Safe to say the way I view relationships is strange. I met my husband at 17, got pregnant and we have been together ever since. 2 years back I had a serious cancer scare and since then I have been changing and in my marriage I have a arrangement where I masturbate with men and women online this has been since before me and my husband got together. My husband had a discussion about it with my 15yr daughter where they ganged up on me and make me feel ashamed of who I am. I've tried help course's, medication, group therapy online seminars and am currently waiting on one to one therapy but I'm fed up of the constant arguments, the pain my changes has brought. All I can think is I'm such a piece of shit that everyone is better off with me being dead.They say I will be missed or that the changes aren't that bad but apparently wanting to shower on my own or going to see my dad's or get some piercings is such severe changes that its making everything miserable. I can't change how I feel. I just hope that I don't wake up because I don't want to cause pain to everyone.