Everyday I wake up in pain, I go to bed in pain. I work in pain, i relax in pain. Its the only feeling I understand anymore. Every time I glance at a mirror I flinch at seeing myself. I don't like myself very much. All the things I have done. The pain I have caused the ones I loved. Autism and bipolor disorder kick me down day by day. Yet I smile like all is well when deep down inside of myself im just begging to die. That would be too easy though and it would only hurt my loved ones, and the irony here is I cant live with myself knowing that.

I try to make up for it but the scars remain as always. I try to find love but I am called ugly. I try to find a hobby but I am called shit. I try anything and I am put down like a dog with rabies.

Is it too much to ask to be myself? There are times I wish the rope never snapped I'll take a hookup just to feel something but all everybody ever wants is money. I just wanna cuddle. I wanna grow old with kids but the more days that pass the less I believe that's going to happen