This post might sound like incoherent rambling, but I’m using this platform to get a lot off my chest and hoping maybe someone here will actually hear me for once. So I’m sorry if this post is a mess, it’s just my head is a mess and I’m trying to pour everything out to make myself feel better.

I hate myself, Idk for sure when it all started, but it feels like I’ve been struggling my whole life. I look in the mirror and either wish to be someone else entirely or just in a casket. The only thing is the thought of commiting suicide one day has always scared me.

So instead of having the balls to put a gun to my head, my mind has improvised a way to bring me to an end. It’s been years since I’ve been to a doctor or dentist. In an attempt to end my life sooner, I’ve let my teeth rot to extreme lengths. It’s gotten so bad to the point that it affects my overall health. My heart races a lot, my lymph nodes have been swollen for almost a year, and occasionally I get super sick and have episodes where I can’t stop vommiting. After all this, I’ve allowed myself to continue drowning in my misery.

I constantly dwell on what it would be like to be normal. I think on what steps I could take to possibly put myself on the right direction. But I just give up everytime. Why should I care about myself when everyone around me has made me feel so unimportant? Family, and Friends all say they care, but anytime I reach out it feels like they could give a shit less. It especially hurts when your own parents don’t even seem to give a fuck.

At this point in my life, it feels like it’s too late for me. It feels like I’ve let myself go to such extreme lengths that even if I wanted to change now, I doubt I’d make it 2026.

I just don’t know how people do it. How do you wake up everyday and act like things are okay? Between my Family, Job, Bills, Relationship Status. It all just fucking sucks.

The worst part is, is I’m making this post in some kind of attempt to find help, but I know even if this post blows up and gets all sorts of attention and helpful advice. I’ll probably just brush it off and go back to being miserable. And I just don’t know why I’m like that. I want help, but I won’t get it. Idek how to motivate myself to get help when everything feels so fucking meaningless.

Once again I’m sorry if this post was a mess, I just never have people to talk to so this post is pretty much one big vent from me. There is so much more I could’ve said that needs to be said, but my mind is racing with thought, so much so that it’s hard to list everything wrong with me and my life